A Time of War Part 2- To Every Thing a Season Chpt. 13

Time-it was something that we wanted more of, yet it was something that we abhorred. We knew our time with Sandra was short, yet more time only meant more suffering. If we could only stop the progression of the cancer just enough to keep her alive...just long enough to see Stephanie's baby....If...If....If....


Our lives were riddled with problems. In the midst of Sandra's illness and surgery to correct the colon blockage, Kevin and I had a huge obstacle to overcome. We suddenly found ourselves without a vehicle.


It was a Monday, January 30, 2006. We had been in Camden the weekend before, and I was doing my Monday run to the bank. The children and I loaded up in the minivan, went to the bank, and headed to the interstate to grab some lunch. We ordered at McDonald's and headed back to our humble little abode, also known as, the Church basement.


It was raining pretty steady, and just as I was about to turn into the Church parking lot, I noticed a red truck sitting in front of the Church. This concerned me just like it would concern anyone else that came home to a strange vehicle in their driveway. I was so caught up in trying to figure out who was in the red truck, I began turning into the Church parking lot without noticing that a car was coming. I was hit nearly head on. I saw the car just moments before impact, but it was too late.


Fortunately, we were unharmed, but the van was totaled. I mean, smashed to pieces. If there were any humor to the story, it would have been the fact that passengers of the vehicle I hit were two lawyers. They were very kind and helpful, and most of all, they didn't sue me for failing to yield the right of way.


But the whole ordeal left us in a quandary. We had to borrow a vehicle to visit my dying mother in law, at least until the insurance and the gap coverage paid off the van. Things weren't impossible, they were just more difficult. We especially didn't want to make Sandra feel like we were being put in a bad spot by coming to visit her every week. The last thing we wanted was to have her feeling guilty about us being there. And a borrowed vehicle would definitely make her feel that way.


The month of January was a whirlwind of events for Sandra. Her stay in the hospital was extended, with friends and family members constantly coming by to see Sandra. There was an overwhelming amount of people visiting her, but at times, it was just too much. It seemed that all of the "friends" thought they were her best friends, therefore trying to "make" Sandra eat just for them. It was frustrating to watch. There were times I just wanted to ask everyone to leave, but I was just a daughter in law-I had no right to do that.


It seems like Sandra's suffering would never end. Once the blockage was addressed, another issue cropped up. This time, we were all bracing ourselves. During all the testing to find her blockage, the doctor's had discovered a blood clot in Sandra's lung. It was sure to be fatal, with little or no warning. Up to this point, the doctors had not told Sandra or us how long she had to live. All we knew was that her cancer was "aggressive." But the news of the blood clot was something that could not be hidden.


One afternoon a couple of days after the blockage surgery, Dr. McElveen (and associate of Dr. Babcock) met us in the hallway outside of Sandra's hospital room wearing the gravest expression on his face. Jackie, Kevin, and I had already decided that we weren't' going to settle for vague answers: we needed to know how long Sandra had.


Dr. McElveen said, "I'm so sorry! It's terribly bad. I'm afraid it's worse than any of us can imagine."


"How long does she have? We need to know," Kevin said in a weak, trembling voice.


"It's hard to say. It's incurable-nothing we can do but make her comfortable."


"We need to know, and we WANT to know," I said, trying to be brave for my husband.


Jackie spoke up and said, "Doc, these are her children. Be straight with us for their sake. How long? It can't be very long, but how long?"


Dr. McElveen looked down and swallowed. "Anywhere from 3 weeks to three months. Six months at the longest, but I don't expect it to be that long. She is very sick. I'm so sorry." Upon those words, he shook our hands and patted our shoulders. I could sense the pity in his eyes, along with the look of helplessness.


As the doctor left us standing in the hallway outside Sandra's room, Kevin turned away and began to sob like a child. His face....oh his face looked just like a tender child who had lost his way in a department store, and his eyes cried deeper than the tears that steamed down his cheeks. It's as if his eyes were saying, "Where's my mommy? Where's my mommy? I need my mommy!" The look was not grief alone; it was pain. All the years of the motherly love and comfort that he had so enjoyed would soon be coming to an end.


One by one, Jackie, Kevin, and I pulled ourselves together so we could go back into Sandra's room. Dr. McElveen had told Sandra about the blood clot in her lung. Sandra's countenance was one of resignation. She informed us that she would like to talk to the children the next day. Stephanie, Kevin, and Jackie had some things they needed to say to Sandra, and she had some things she needed to say to them.

Guilt

Why do we pastor's wives find guilt to be so attractive? It seems the pastor's wife can find a glint of beauty in guilt, making it somewhat of a necessary evil. If you aren't a pastor's wife, you may not understand what I mean. But if you are a PW and still don't know what I mean, let me explain.

The ministry is a wonderful thing, but without exception, every ministry will have trials. We survive them all by the Grace of God but not without wounds and scars. The smallest hiccup in the ministry can cause the pastor's wife to look inward. Even a seasoned PW can experience unhealthy introspect.

How does guilt come into play? Most of the time it isn't because the pastor's wife feels guilty about something, such as a sin she has committed. I'm speaking of a guilt of an entirely different nature.

The guilt I'm speaking of is the guilt that riddles her mind when she feels that she is to blame when in fact she is not. She wants to assume some guilt because if she is the one to blame, then there is at least an explanation to the problems around her. If she is responsible, then perhaps she can do something to change things. Guilt puts the blame on her, instead of someone else. For the PW, taking blame can feel better than placing blame, if for no other reason, for the sake of keeping the peace.

With a matronly nature, a pastor's wife just doesn't like to see things going sour. How many Mom's like to see their kids fight? A PW feels the same way when problems arise in the church; a need to mediate, to equalize, and to make things as they were before quickly ignites. The problem is, rarely can it ever be handled quite that easily. And while most of us PWs know our place when dealing with church troubles and would NEVER step out of bounds, we compartmentalize the entire situation in our mind and allocate guilt to a place where we think it will best act as a salve.

Guilt that comes mostly in the form of, "If I would have just been more Christ like," or "If I had just not said anything," or "If I had just noticed this...." yet knowing deep inside that the situation was no fault of our own. In some very inexplicably dark way, it soothes us. Yet it shouldn't.

If there is one flaw of a pastor's wife that stands out above any other imperfection we may have, it is our constant self mutilation in this area of "was it me?" It's not that the pastor's wife never needs to evaluate herself and see where she stands before her Lord, but the need for a continual autopsy is nonexistent. The Holy Spirit is perfectly capable of showing us our error, and nothing is heavier than the guilt of knowing we have failed our Father in heaven. HE really has something better in mind for the women he has chosen to serve with His faithful men.

Maybe we are prone to feeling and feeding this guilt because of our emotions, but we can't operate off of feelings. It's probably natural to feel this on occasion. But living in this state of mind is torture!

How often do I find a glint of beauty in guilt? I'd love to say 0% of the time, but the truth is, I deal with the thought nearly every time problems arise. I realize that I'm not responsible for every problem our church encounters. I will shoulder any guilt that is rightfully mine, but need I shoulder any other?? I just try to resist the urge to make guilt the necessary evil. How often am I successful? Well, I'm aiming for 100% mark.

All That's Upcoming and All That Has Been

I have been smitten with a touch of laziness.

It's so hard to jump back into something when you've been away from it for so long.

Let's see...I have had a great deal going on...I have a new member of the Whitman family. I got a parakeet for my birthday last week, something I had been wanting for a long time. Sydney is doing quite well, but Shiloh is just a tad bid jealous! As IF anything could ever take his place! I'd like to see Sydney crawling up in our bed at night or getting free run of the house 24/7. Fat chance.

But dogs don't know how to reason, and the poor little pooch looks so threatened.

Kevin also acquired some goldfish. Long story that by reason of boredom needs to be made really short. The three fish that remain are doing good. No names yet. They need not worry. IF they survive, we will never forget them-even if they never have names.

This weekend we have a choir workshop planned. This is great news, but I am very nervous. Bro. Doug Raynes and his daughter Natalie will be coming to help our choir in several areas. Natalie is what I consider a prodigy, so I am obviously very, very nervous. She's not the slightest bit uppity, it's just I know the enormous amount of skill and talent this young lady possesses. Me playing in front of Natalie is kinda like a beggar flaunting a 10 dollar bill in front of a millionaire. Know what I mean??? Anyway, it should prove to be a real blessing to the church and the choir. We are very excited to have the Raynes with us on Saturday.

The following Saturday, the 18th, we will have our monthly youth meeting. We will be having an old friend of ours in for the services, Bro. Brian Enlow. Time and space don't allow me to tell all the stories our families share, but there are many!! I'm so glad for what God has done for Bro. Enlow and his family!

And finally, my family and I should be going on vacation the first week of August. We are so excited, not to mention we greatly need the time away! The pressures of the ministry, Kevin's job, and my health issues....I am really looking forward to the time away. A week in CanaanLand/Lake Toxaway, I am soooo needing it!

I am almost finished with A Time of War Part 2. It will be posted shortly.

Thanks for faithfully stopping by readers!