Guilt

Why do we pastor's wives find guilt to be so attractive? It seems the pastor's wife can find a glint of beauty in guilt, making it somewhat of a necessary evil. If you aren't a pastor's wife, you may not understand what I mean. But if you are a PW and still don't know what I mean, let me explain.

The ministry is a wonderful thing, but without exception, every ministry will have trials. We survive them all by the Grace of God but not without wounds and scars. The smallest hiccup in the ministry can cause the pastor's wife to look inward. Even a seasoned PW can experience unhealthy introspect.

How does guilt come into play? Most of the time it isn't because the pastor's wife feels guilty about something, such as a sin she has committed. I'm speaking of a guilt of an entirely different nature.

The guilt I'm speaking of is the guilt that riddles her mind when she feels that she is to blame when in fact she is not. She wants to assume some guilt because if she is the one to blame, then there is at least an explanation to the problems around her. If she is responsible, then perhaps she can do something to change things. Guilt puts the blame on her, instead of someone else. For the PW, taking blame can feel better than placing blame, if for no other reason, for the sake of keeping the peace.

With a matronly nature, a pastor's wife just doesn't like to see things going sour. How many Mom's like to see their kids fight? A PW feels the same way when problems arise in the church; a need to mediate, to equalize, and to make things as they were before quickly ignites. The problem is, rarely can it ever be handled quite that easily. And while most of us PWs know our place when dealing with church troubles and would NEVER step out of bounds, we compartmentalize the entire situation in our mind and allocate guilt to a place where we think it will best act as a salve.

Guilt that comes mostly in the form of, "If I would have just been more Christ like," or "If I had just not said anything," or "If I had just noticed this...." yet knowing deep inside that the situation was no fault of our own. In some very inexplicably dark way, it soothes us. Yet it shouldn't.

If there is one flaw of a pastor's wife that stands out above any other imperfection we may have, it is our constant self mutilation in this area of "was it me?" It's not that the pastor's wife never needs to evaluate herself and see where she stands before her Lord, but the need for a continual autopsy is nonexistent. The Holy Spirit is perfectly capable of showing us our error, and nothing is heavier than the guilt of knowing we have failed our Father in heaven. HE really has something better in mind for the women he has chosen to serve with His faithful men.

Maybe we are prone to feeling and feeding this guilt because of our emotions, but we can't operate off of feelings. It's probably natural to feel this on occasion. But living in this state of mind is torture!

How often do I find a glint of beauty in guilt? I'd love to say 0% of the time, but the truth is, I deal with the thought nearly every time problems arise. I realize that I'm not responsible for every problem our church encounters. I will shoulder any guilt that is rightfully mine, but need I shoulder any other?? I just try to resist the urge to make guilt the necessary evil. How often am I successful? Well, I'm aiming for 100% mark.