The News So Far...

Today I spoke with my Internist/GP, and the CT results showed that I have several nodules on the left lobe of my thyroid. She ordered an ultrasound of the thyroid, which I had done at 1:45 p.m. I should have those results no later than next Wednesday.

Nodules may or may not be cancerous, though they are usually not. That's something to be happy about! With multiple nodules, it may be an indication of an enlarged thyroid. The ultrasound should shed more light on all of this.

I was curious as to why an ultrasound would show them more than a CT scan. I asked the technician who did the US and she said that US's are wonderful at imaging glands, especially the thyroid. Also, the CT scan was of the entire neck, not focused specifically on the thyroid. This should give us more answers.

I also had an appt. with my Uro yesterday. Because of my liver disease (which has been brought on by years of medication for lupus and arthritis) I can no longer take the medications for my bladder. I am also scheduled for a bladder hydrodistention next Friday morning. I really hate to do this on Jordan's birthday, but now that I have to stop the Elmiron treatment, the surgery is a must.

On the bright side, my list of daily medications just shortened by three meds. ;-> And my monthly cost for prescriptions just went down too!

I remain hopeful and in HIS loving care.

The Purging Trial

Oh, Saviour that I may love thee more

and upon thy bosom lean

May I ever cherish my fiery trials

that purge this vessel clean

The dross the trials doth take away

though my aching heart may cry

Yet refines in a likeness still

that shall forever be as thine

Do not the beautiful trees so green

forfeit their colors with time?

As coldness creeps across the sky

leaves fall with dismal sigh

Oh, they seem to die in weary trodden paths

that upon them no mercy unfolds

Yet as the lush green has faded away

the leaves now have traces of gold

Their trials brought forth the better

and the beauty that only could come

From a season that forces change

and a mercy that will overcome

So harsh, yet so merciful

are the trials that burden me so

Yet in them the dross fades away

And the Saviour I more lovingly know

Medical Updates

A few updates:

Allergies: Blood work came back today with with the following results: Trace reactions to cats, shellfish, and fish. Little or no consequence...I have no cat, don't touch shellfish, and eat fish rarely.

Lupus: Remission, negative ANA for the first time in 13 years

Liver Enzymes: Normal

Upcoming this week: CT Scan Tuesday, Allergist followup Wednesday, Urologist checkup Thursday (probability of determining surgery and future course of Elmiron therapy), Physical Therapy Friday.

Busy week!

CT Scan Tomorrow

As it turns out, some of my problems may be bigger than once thought.

In an attempt to diagnose my cough, tightness of throat, and difficulty swallowing that I thought was due to allergies, my family Dr. decided to do a barium swallow and upper GI X-ray about 2 weeks ago. Dr. Rahim was thinking that I might have acid reflux, but the barium X-ray showed conclusively that I do not.

When I went for my follow up visit with Dr. Rahim on Thursday, she informed me that my esophagus was slightly deviated to the left and that it seems to be that way as the result of "something" pushing against it. Her initial guess is an enlarged thyroid; let's hope she's right. It was disturbing to hear, but I really don't know anything yet, so....I can have peace of mind knowing I stand in the hand of God, carefully enveloped by the creator of the universe.

CT scan at 9 AM. Hopefully I will have the results by Thursday. Until then, I will work on my next installment of the "Seasons" series.

A Time to Keep Silent...To Every Thing a Season chpt. 10

Our plans for Tybee Island were nixed. It wasn't so much that we couldn't go there, it was more the fact that I so desperately needed to get away. Even though it had been several months since the storm had passed at our Church, the devil was making sure that we were constantly reminded of all the hurt.

Like the Monday after Sandra's diagnosis....I was in the grocery store trying to pick up a few things when I received a phone call from one of my friends. She asked how I was doing since I had heard the "news." I asked what news she was speaking of. Come to find out, her husband, who worked about 100 miles away from our Church was told by an acquaintance that "Bro. Whitman had been caught running around on his wife." I was hurt, but I was not surprised, simply because I was pretty certain of the source. There was absolutely no shred of truth to it, and the people responsible for that lie knew it. All the pain came rushing back through me. I kept wondering how people who claimed to love us so much could purposely say things they knew to be untrue. There's enough truth to be said of all of us; lies don't have to be added to the mix.

I tried to act unfazed, especially in front of my children. We check out at the supermarket, ran through the rain to get to the car, and headed back to the Church. I wanted to cry, but I didn't dare do so with the children in the car. I wanted to drive far, far away. I didn't want to turn left at the Church. I wanted to drive and drive and drive. I wanted to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone and where no one knew me. Not because I had anything to hid but because I didn't want to have to interact with anyone. Caring had become the single greatest source of agony in my life. I was so drained....

And then I realized, it just isn't possible to NOT care. I had to put it all behind me because too many people loved us and supported us at the Church. They were worth going on for, and greater than that, so was the One I served. My family, despite the "rumor" was alive and strong, and they were certainly worth caring for!

It came down to dusting myself off spiritually and staying focused on the things that mattered, and at that point, Sandra and Jackie were our priority. Living so far away made things difficult, but we poured as much time and effort as possible into helping Kevin's parents.

We made it back to Camden for Sandra's breast biopsy, which was done at the local hospital. We were at the hospital bright and early, along with several of Sandra's friends. Linda B. who called us and urged us to come the week before, worked at the hospital. As usual, she was all smiles and talking a hundred miles a minute. As Jackie was wheeling Sandra in, Linda B. pulled me aside and said with a fading smile, "Rita, this isn't good. You know that don't you?"

I was uncomfortable with the conversation, mainly because I didn't like the truth of the matter.

"I know Linda, but it would be so unusual for her to have three separate cases of cancer. It's just so unlikely."

"Rita, my mother died of cancer, three different ones. It is possible. And Dr. Babcock with the Oncology Center has been in here and I've talked to him, Rita. This really, really looks bad. I just want you all to be prepared."

I felt sick. I knew it was bad, but Linda always seemed so hopeful. It was particularly sobering to hear her say the same things I had thought.

Linda guided us back to the area where the biopsy would be preformed. The nurse took Sandra to an X-ray room to help locate the mass in her breast. Unknown to all of us, the X-ray had to be taken lying down.

As we all sat in the hall, we could barely hear Sandra's voice. It seemed to be taking an awful long time. Several times, the door opened and closed, with nurses and technicians going in and out. One of the nurses finally told us that they were having trouble getting Sandra situated on her stomach in order to take the X-ray. I thought to myself, "Stomach? Isn't this a mammogram?" Jackie tried to find Linda B. so that we could get some information, but she was nowhere to be found.

We waiting a little while longer. The sound of Jackie's portable "lungs" were ever present in the background. We could still hear the nurses talking, but we also heard moaning and then sobbing. The sobbing grew louder and louder. Sandra was crying like a helpless child. It was so gut wrenching to hear, I literally covered my ears. Kevin and Jackie looked at each other in shock, both in wonderment as to what could possibly be going on behind the door that separated us from Sandra.

Her cry was one that signaled an abandonment of strength and will. And the more she cried, the louder it got. It seemed to echo down the corridor, and I couldn't help but wonder why there wasn't a rush of hospital personnel coming to her aid. Finally, Kevin asked me to go find Linda; he had heard enough of his mother's anguish.

By the time we found Linda, the nurse had brought Sandra from the X-Ray room. She had calmed down considerably, but when we asked her what happened, she fell all to pieces.

"They made me lay on my stomach, and I told them I couldn't," she sobbed. "My back hurt so bad, I couldn't hardly breath..." Her shoulders quivered as she cried with her entire body. We all tried to comfort her and tell her it was alright, but she had surrendered to her pain and weakness. "I can't do this...I can't...please don't expect me to...I can't live like this, just let me die!"

All of this took place in the hallway, and for all we knew, 1000 people saw what was happening. All of us, family and friends, encouraged her to keep going. We wanted her to know how much we valued her life, but we wanted her to value her own life.

We finally got her calmed down and over to the area of the hospital for the breast biopsy. To noone's surprise, the breast biopsy came back cancerous. It was the most logical source for the cancer in the spine, but the masses in the stomach and gall bladder still had not been addressed.

Finally, after a long day at the hospital, we had Sandra back at home. She asked me to how long it would take for me to make potato soup. I told her it would take about 45 minutes. She seemed so disappointed, so I stewed some potatoes for her. She ate well but complained with her stomach.

As she sat in her wheelchair, she told all of us somberly, "I want you all to know that if they tell me I need chemotherapy, I will not do it. I can't live like that. I can't walk, and I'm not going to be sick like that laying in a hospital bed. If chemotherapy is the only thing that will help me, then let me die." This was no "beg me to do it" speech. She was serious. The option was not on the table.

She fought back tears but succumbed. "I can handle dying, if I could just walk. I can't stand this wheel chair. I can't stand not being able to clean my house. I can't stand it! If I can't walk, I want to die. Just let me die!" All of this was said through tears that spoke of pain deeper than cancer. Kevin, Jackie, and I gathered around her wheelchair, trying to reassure her of our love. She looked up at Kevin and cried out, "What are you going to do? You can't keep coming here every week? You'll wear the wheels off your van! You have to stop coming so much."

"Momma, we can get new wheels if we wear the other one's off...but we're coming up here, every week if we have to. I wouldn't want to be any where else."

I told her, "You know you'd do the same for us."

The whole conversation seemed to give her some comfort for which we were thankful. It had been an exhausting day. Everybody was ready to fall into bed. Sandra had radiation every day, and it wasn't something she was enjoying. Her rest was crucial. I had even made it a nightly ritual to give her a foot massage before she went to bed. It was so relaxing for her and one of the few things that made her smile.

It must have been very early the next morning, for the master bedroom was still fairly dark. I could hear Jackie talking in the living room.... and Sandra crying. In the background was the sound of the oxygen machine, rhythmically pumping life into Jackie's lungs. Sandra's inconsolible sobs were muffled by Jackie softly whispering a hush. I pulled the covers up under my chin, closing my eyes. If only it were possible to shut out the cancer that's taking my mother-in-law from us....

Her sobs were so pitiful. There was nothing I wanted more than to get out of that bed, walk into that living room and tell her that everything was going to be alright.

But I couldn't...I had done that once before. I knew it was time to keep silent.

Only God could change the course of things, and that was completely subject to His will. All of us would have to wait and see what the Lord would do. And once it was done, we would have to accept it as the best course of action for all of us.

A Time to Speak...To Every Thing A Season chpt. 9

It had been an emotionally draining day. Kevin and I had already explained to our children that their grandma was very ill and that she may die. We never expected that we would have to explain that to everyone else, but we were called upon to do so.

Shortly after we arrived home from the Oncology Center, Jackie approached Kevin and me in the master bedroom. Again, he was trembling and struggling to get his words out.

"Kevin....buddy....I'm sorry for you and your momma...but I don't know what I would have done without y'all today." Jackie let himself lean into Kevin's embrace, and they both cried. Jackie, not being one for tears or excessive emotions, quickly pulled himself together and said, "I need y'all's help." He paused, wiping his wet, red face.

"Somebody has got to talk to all of Sandra's friends and tell them what's going on...I just can't do it," he said as he whimpered into another sob. I assured Jackie that I would take care of all the calls. I knew this was going to be a monumental task because she had an enormous group of friends.

"Another thing...someone has to tell Grandma,"he said. That task was for one person and one person alone-Kevin. "I'll tell Grandma, Jackie, but I don't want to tell her over the phone. I'd rather go see her and tell her in person, " Kevin said. We decided right then that we would drive to Cheraw on Friday to tell Sandra's mother the news. Jackie had agreed to tell Sandra's brother Tommy and his wife Linda. They were constantly in touch with Jackie and Sandra, so Jackie felt at ease with them.

Jackie made it clear: do not let Sandra tell her friends. She was discouraged and defeated enough without having to relive the diagnosis every time the phone rang. The only person she was "allowed" to tell was Stephanie, and she had already taken care of that. The rest was left to me and Kevin.

I was glad to be of some assistance. Jackie's burden was heavy enough. But every time I talked to one of Sandra's friends, and there were many, it was dreadful. Everyone was shocked. Many cried. Some asked, "How did she get cancer?" as if she picked it up like a germ in the grocery store. I didn't have those kind of answers. Neither did the doctors.

I didn't like being the one that gave the bad news, but I did enjoy speaking to so many of Sandra's friends. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. She had lived in the same town for over 35 years and worked at the same place for over 25 years. A person makes a lot of life time friends when her roots are that deep. The phone rang non stop for the first 48 hours after "the appointment." Neighbors, friends, co-workers, church members-everyone wanted to know what the doctor said and what the prognosis was. Some even whispered into the phone, "Rita, do you think she's gonna make it?" I couldn't give an answer.

Within the next few days, Sandra started radiation. Unfortunately, she had to travel to West Columbia every day for her treatments. It was so exhausting for her. The drive was an hour long one way and the treatment was an hour as well. It was particularly difficult for Sandra to lay still for the MRI's they needed for successful radiation therapy. Two back surgeries made the pain of laying flat on her back excruciating.

Friday came to soon. Laden with an enormous amount of dread Kevin and I went to see his Grandma. It was an hour drive, but it seemed like it only took 10 minutes. We both prayed while we traveled, knowing that this would devastate Grandma. My heart hurt for Kevin. I hated every second of what he was having to go through, yet there was nothing I could do to stop it, nothing I could do to change it.

When we arrived in Cheraw, Grandma came out of her house, ready to greet us as she always does. She assumed that it was just a regular visit since we were already visiting Sandra. When she didn't she the children she asked us where they were. "It's just me and Rita today, Grandma."

"Uggghhh!!!! Why??? I want to see my Grand babies!!" She wasn't happy.

"I know. But me and Rita wanted to see you and talk to you a little bit, " Kevin said, trying to sooth her obvious anger. We both hugged her, and we both could feel her tension and aggravation. She wanted to know why the Grandchildren weren't there.

We went inside and to her den. Kevin asked Grandma to sit down on the couch beside him, and I sat in a chair across from them.

"I sure wish you would have brought the babies," Grandma said.

"I know, but we wanted to talk to you about Momma."

"Oh? What about her? She's alright isn't she?"

"Well, you know she went to the doctor on Tuesday." She nodded yes. "Well, Rita and I went with her and the doctor had some bad news Grandma."

I sat there watching my husband tell his Grandmother that her daughter was facing a very grim diagnosis. He explained the possibility of there being three separate cancers and the probability of it being breast cancer metastasized to her spine.

Grandma's face was contorted into a frame of horror. She suddenly looked blankly at Kevin as if she didn't know him or anything he was saying. And within seconds, her shoulders and head dropped like a child whose balloon had slipped out of his hand. Her hands slowly came up to her face and she began to weep. More tears, more embraces, more love. That's all we could do for each other.

I looked at Kevin and Olivia, that's Grandma's name (though no one calls her anything but Grandma), and I thought about how cruel cancer had been to their family. Of course, cancer is cruel to everyone it touches, but Grandma's husband Frances had lung cancer and emphysema, both being the ultimate cause of Granddaddy's death. Kevin also has a cousin, Wendy, who is a two time survivor of breast cancer. Wendy has had to endure radical treatment, but she has survived. Her story is particularly heartbreaking, especially to Grandma, because Wendy endured this battle at the young age of 24, then again at 34. Now Olivia was seeing her daughter slip into the clutches of this dreaded disease.

It took a while for Grandma to calm down. Kevin being the only grandson, he holds Grandma's heart in his hand. He was a great comfort to her. We spent the afternoon with Grandma and tried to have as good of a day as possible.

The time came when we had to head back to Georgia. As much as we hated to leave Sandra and Jackie, we had to get home. We planned to come back the following week. Sandra was scheduled to have her breast biopsy the following week on the 8th, and we wanted to be there for that. Amazingly enough, the Oncology Center she visited in Columbia had a satellite office at the Kershaw County Hospital located in Camden, so all of Sandra's follow up appointments with the oncologist could be done in Camden.

It was pretty much the same each time...leave Georgia on Tuesday and come back on Saturday night. We didn't go every week, but we tried to go as much as possible. On our way back to Georgia we talked about all we needed to do to make ourselves available to Sandra and Jackie.

Kevin and I had planned a trip to Tybee Island for Thanksgiving. We wanted to have a non traditional Thanksgiving so we reserved an ocean front hotel room and planned to take the children to the coast for the long holiday weekend. In light of all that was going on, we decided that we needed to change our plans. We were so afraid of never having another Thanksgiving with Sandra and Jackie; we wanted to make the most of the time she had left. We cancelled our reservations for Tybee Island and planned our holidays for Camden.

SNOW!!!

Well, it's not often we get snow here in Georgia. But it's even less often we get it like we got it Sunday! It started out with torrential down pours of rain late Saturday night. It rain all morning Sunday, so I figured the snow would never lay. But behold! We had a good snow. Within 5 minutes of starting, it had already cover the huge puddles of water in our yard and along side our street.

By late afternoon, we had this to contend with!!! My SUV was iced in. All the puddles of water had slushed over with ice and snow, so the SUV wasn't going any where!!

The truck wasn't in much better shape!


The streets quickly turned treacherous.



But Jordan and Savannah found the yard to be alot of fun!!!




Daniel had a little trouble keeping his footing.



A dismal but beautiful sight....

We ended up with about 5 inches of snow!

I haven't seen it snow this hard since 1993 when I lived in Greenville. We had a full blown blizzard! Prior to that, I was a child the last time I had seen snow flakes the size of quarters. It was beautiful to watch, but when the power went out, I was ready for it to stop. Electric heat is great, but no electricity = no heat! Fortunately, our electricity was out for only a few hours. The city of Commerce, though small, has a fast response team when it comes to city utilities. No complaints here.

Of course, the roads were so bad, we had to cancel Sunday night service. Kevin and I ventured to the gas station and Walmart, which is only 2.5 miles from my house, and I was scared to death. The truck did fine, but the roads were so bad, I 'bout near hyperventilated.

Kevin works for Banks County and the Comissioners decided to close the courthouse on Monday....on Sunday! Yippeee! A free day for the family. Kevin was off work and the kids were "off"school. We got some cleaning done, but we spent most of the day loafing and relaxing. Nice thing to do.

One thing of interest....southerners are so funny. A neighbor down the street decided to shovel his drive Monday morning. My thought was, "Hey, it's going to melt by the end of the day. This ain't Buffalo, buddy." But you know, that's his business. If he wants to shovel his drive way, fine. What really made me scratch my head was the fact that he was wearing only shorts and a ball cap. It was only 37 degrees. Whatever!?!?!