Thanksgiving weekend had given us so much hope. The baby-to-be had given
Sandra so much hope. There was finally something in her that was willing to try. We just had to keep it that way!
Sandra had always loved Christmas, so we really thought she would continue to make progress over the sheer joy of the season. In many ways, she did. She would be finished with radiation before Christmas, and that gave her a goal. Stephanie and her husband Brad had just purchased their first home. Sandra was
determined to see Stephanie's house.
During the first week in December, we made our regular trip to Camden. Sandra was making progress, but she just couldn't see it. One afternoon was particularly bad. She had made her way to the bathroom on her own in the wheelchair, but on the way back, she scrubbed her knuckles on the door jamb. She was so angry; she just fell to pieces.
"I can't live like this! Don't expect me to! I want God to just let me die!"
We were shocked because we had seen so much progress. I quickly reminded her of all her recent accomplishments.
"Sandra, don't you see how much progress you have made? This week during physical therapy you walked on your walker all the way across the room and back."
"Yeah, but it exhausted me. I'll never be able to walk normally again!" she said.
"What about your the fact that you no longer have to wear diapers? What about the fact that you no longer have a bedside potty in the living room? You have to look at all that you've overcome. You can get to the bathroom all by yourself and you don't even have to use the boogie board (the phrase I coined for the sliding board)!"
Sandra couldn't help but smile when she heard the words 'boogie board.'
"Sandra, please look at the big picture....look at how far you have come since you left the rehabilitation center. It might be slow, but you
are making progress."
Jackie looked relieved at what I was saying. It was almost as if he had suddenly realized those things himself.
The talk seemed to encourage her. In fact, less than an hour later, she did her physical therapy exercises and walked with the walker another 10 steps. I was amazed and grateful that the pep talk encouraged her to the point of taking action.
Sandra had another appointment that week with the spine doctor. He too assured all of us that with determination and hard work that Sandra had a strong likelihood of walking again. It was just what we all needed to hear. After all, encouraging her was much easier when we knew the task before her could actually be accomplished.
We had made plans to go to Stephanie's new house in Easley, SC on Saturday. It was on our way back to Georgia, which made it easier for us. Jackie and Sandra followed us separately. Kevin's heart was as light as a feather; his mom was traveling with a great big smile on her face! She was wearing new clothes, make-up on, and Euphoria sprayed on head to toe. She really seemed to feel
good. And to our surprise, she had taken her walker with her.
On our way to Easley, Kevin and I talked about how happy of an event this was for Sandra. She absolutely loved to decorate, and we knew she had taken along a few things to try out in Steph's house. She had spent the previous Thrusday and Friday talking to Stephanie about things she needed in her house. They had talked about paint chips, furniture, lamps, rugs, and dishes. There was a constant stream of conversation regarding this trip.
But there was one thing that presented a major problem: Stephanie's house was two stories. Sandra would miss out on the upstairs. We tried to console her with the fact that the main rooms were downstairs, but she still wasn't happy about it. After all, the baby's nursey and the Master bedroom were upstairs. Those were huge decorating options.
When we finally arrived, Sandra was barely able to get the car door open before Stephanie was by her side helping her. Sandra wheeled her way to the front door, admiring the sodded front lawn. Once inside, Stephanie led us all through each room. Sandra gave comments about "what we need to do" and also praised Stephanie for what she had already done in her new house.
One of the first things Sandra wanted to do was rearrange the living room. Every single adult was at the mercy of the Queen in the wheelchair, moving furniture and rehanging pictures. We must have moved the couch 5 times!
There was such a sense of normalcy. This is what Sandra would have been doing, regardless of her condition. Had she been perfectly healthy, we would all be there, moving her furniture around. It was a moment to cherish. It was as it should have been....
After looking around in the kitchen and admiring the cabinets and appliances, Sandra and Stephanie set the dining room table. Since there was a breakfast area, they could have a formally set table without having to dismantle it everytime they wanted to sit down and eat. I sorted through some of Stephanie's wedding gifts that were in the down stairs hall closet. The three of us chatted and consorted over the crystal bowls and serving platters that Stephanie swore she would never have use for.
Sandra spoke up. "I want to see the upstairs."
No wonder she brought her walker.
She asked Kevin and me to help her. I was very unsure about this, but I don't think anyone had the guts to tell the woman no. Stephanie did try to tell her mother that she need not bother. We even offered to take a video of the upstairs and let her watch it on the TV. But Sandra insisted on seeing it with her own eyes. We finally gave in, for we knew she would never let it rest until she had her way.
The plan was for Sandra to hold the walker, me to stand beside her, and Kevin to stand behind her in case she fell. I was terribly nervous, but Jackie was out of the question. And with Stephanie being pregnant, we weren't about to ask her.
Sandra made it up the first 2 or 3 steps o.k. but I could tell that her ankles were getting weak. She had braces to wear, but unfortunately, we didn't know to bring them. She was straining with all her might...I honestly didn't think she would make it. There was a landing after about 6 steps...if we could just get her to that point so she could rest.
On the step right before the landing, her ankle turned completely out. I was able to catch her fall, but no one could do anything about the jolt of pain surging through her ankle and leg. We tried to convince her to come back down the stairs, but she refused. She was
going to see that upstairs, if it was the last thing she did.
Once on the landing, Kevin and I held her up under each arm. She was shaking, but her resolve had not swayed one bit. She barely took a rest. We had already placed the wheelchair upstairs, so all she had left was about 8 stairs and then she could sit down!
She forced each step. Sometimes with a moan, sometimes with a cry of pain, sometimes with a shout of anger. But each and every step sounded as if she were dragging 500 pounds of dead weight. It was wearing her out, and I so badly wanted her to stop and just forget the whole idea.
She finally made it to the top. It took all her energy, but as soon as she was in that wheelchair, she was asking which bedroom was the nursery. After about 5 minutes, the stair ordeal was a forgotten memory. Sandra was enjoy her look/stay upstairs too much to worry about how hard it was to get there. My concern was, how was she getting
back down?
Everyone I asked wanted to evade that question.
She and Stephanie talked about the closets, window treatments, comforters...all that wonderful Mother-Daughter talk that made everything so 'normal' that day. Of course, there were things Sandra wanted to help rearrange in the bedrooms, but instead of having a team of people come up there and do it then, Sandra just gave the suggestions. Steph promised that Brad would help her with it later.
The time came when we had to eat, which meant Sandra had to get back down the stairs. All the ideas sounded unsafe, or at least to me they did. Kevin and Sandra finally came up with the idea of Sandra scooting down the steps while Kevin pulled her by the legs. We helped her down the first couple of stairs so she could sit on the top step, and then she edged down each step with Kevin pulling her legs. When she got to the last two stairs, we were able to easily stand her up and get her in the wheelchair.
She was proud of her accomplishment. She had seen the upstairs, despite our cries of caution and warning. It was a good sign that her willpower was in full force. It
had to be if she was going to survive this battle with cancer. She had to keep that same resoluteness that caused her to walk in the hall bathroom and that caused her to climb those stairs earlier. She had to keep that same level of determination. She just had to.
We had a nice evening meal together and then we each headed our own way. Sandra and Stephanie had discussed having our Christmas get together at Stephanie's house. We all thought that would be lovely, especially since Sandra had decided NOT to put up a tree. The plans were for Christmas Eve.
We left that weekend looking ahead a few weeks to when we would be together again. I would have to miss out on part of the dinner my mother has each year on Christmas Eve, but I felt so compelled to do everything I could so we could all be with Sandra.
We arrived at Stephanie's around 3 pm on Christmas Eve. Grandma was there, but Tommy, Linda, Wendy, John, and Robin were unable to make it. Sandra, Jackie, and Grandma would get together with them the following week. We all brought a covered dish/crock pot. Sandra made my favorite dessert, penuche fudge! We ate, fellowshiped, laughed, and took pictures. Again, everything was so 'normal.'
It came time to exhange gifts, and as always, the children went first. Sandra and Jackie always gave them a good Christmas. I did the majority of her shopping for her, but she didn't spare any expenses. Everyone enjoyed the exchanging, even the gag gifts that Sandra always liked to throw in.
But something was wrong. Sandra wasn't very engaged in the festivities. We would often find her off to the side with her head down. When we called out to her, she would try to act normal. But it was quite evident, she was troubled. Even after we got home and looked at all the pictures on the digital camera, we could tell she wasn't happy.
Finally, around 7 pm, Sandra encouraged us to get on the road. She had always worried about traveling safety over the holidays. As we set out to leave, Sandra and Jackie left, too. It was cold and beginning to rain, so we tried to keep the goodbyes short. The children said their goodbyes, and as Kevin, Stephanie, Brad, and I were telling Sandra goodbye, she began to cry. She was talking about a test she was scheduled for the next week, and it seemed to be worrying her a great deal. It made the parting much harder.
Some of the tears were over parting. But some of the tears seemed to express a much deeper sorrow. As we pulled away from Stephanie's driveway, I couldn't help but wonder if Sandra would ever be inside that house again. Perhaps that's what Sandra was thinking, too.
