Labs and Appointments

I spoke with my internist earlier and my lab results are back. My TSH is indicating hyperthyroid; however, all of my symptoms are hypothyroid. I haven't been tested yet, but I strongly suspect Hashimoto's disease. It causes fluctuation between hyper and hypo. It's an auto immune disease, which would make sense. I'm compromised already, as far as immunity goes. All else on the blood work was "normal."

After talking to my internist, I called the Endocrinologist's office to see if they had received all pertinent labs and test results in order to evaluate my condition. By doing so, they can determine how quickly to move me up the waiting list. After being on hold for a few minutes, they told me to come in Thursday morning at 9:00.

I'm thrilled to get an earlier appointment. I only regret that my uptake scan can't be done for another 3 weeks. Just wishing there was some way to move that up some!

I have talked to one of my husband's employees. She recently had her thyroid removed because of thyroid cancer. She saw the same Doctor I will be seeing Thursday. She greatly praised Dr. Harris, and that made me feel much better. She did give me a word of warning: if I have to have a FNA biopsy, ask for pain medication. She said it was extremely painful and that it was worse than the surgery to remove her thyroid.

I've definitely made a note of that.

Hopefully, I will have some news or direction as of Thursday. All of my readers who know the Lord and pray, please do so for me. I deeply covet your prayers.

Plenty to Tell, Just Not Enough Time....

It has been sooo hectic, I didn't even realized that 10 days had passed since my last post. There's plenty to tell, IF I can find the time! Yes, it's been that busy.

Let's back up to the bladder surgery. I wish I could say that it was a to ttremendous success, but I can't. Maybe it's just too soon. I would say my pain has decreased by at least 50%, which is better. But...I was hoping and praying for pain free. Of course, the initial post operative pain after a hydro distention is to be expected.

I missed church the first Sunday after my surgery. I was in debilitating pain but managed to drive myself to church. I was there for only a few minutes when I realized I had made a terrible mistake in going. The odd thing (was it odd or was it God) was that I was able to go to our monthly youth meeting the day after my surgery. I suppose God knew I needed that service in particular.

Although I missed Sunday, I was able to go every night of the week for the rest of the meeting. It was one of those meetings where I felt like everything was divinely set in place just for me. I had been worrying and fretting a great deal about this thyroid issue I am facing, but the Lord used this meeting and the messages to calm me down. As anyone who has experienced it will say, there is nothing like sweet peace.

I will be seeing an endocrinologist in July...officially. They have me on a waiting list to hopefully get me in there sooner. Since I have an obstruction to my esophagus, they will work hard to get me in there ASAP. I will have my Radio iodine uptake scan on April 20th, another three long weeks of waiting. Swallowing is still painful, and my voice is raspy. I am also waiting on the lab results concerning my thyroid function. Is it even possible for it to be functioning properly right now??

Last but not least, we finally had our Science Fair at the church. We spent the last two weeks doing nothing BUT science fair stuff. The surgery really made it difficult for me, but my three children managed. It was constant runs to the drug store or Walmart. I was absolutely exhausted by the time everything was said and done.

All the kids did an outstanding job! Everybody was nervous for the students-they had to give oral reports. A first for all of them! I don't want to steal any thunder from any of my children's blogs, but Savannah won first place in the middle school division, while Jordan won third. Daniel won second place in the high school division. I was so proud of all the church students! Everyone one worked really hard, and most of all, they learned alot.

One last thing...I have finally finished physical therapy for my ankle. Whoohoooo!!! I also started back at Curves. It has just about killed me. I am so deconditioned, it's going to take a while to get me back in shape. Until I get through the first few weeks, it's murder!

Stay tuned, faithful readers....there is more to come in the "Seasons" series. Up next will be "A Time of War." Have you Kleenex handy.

A Time to Keep...To Every Thing a Season chpt. 12

Thanksgiving weekend had given us so much hope. The baby-to-be had given Sandra so much hope. There was finally something in her that was willing to try. We just had to keep it that way!

Sandra had always loved Christmas, so we really thought she would continue to make progress over the sheer joy of the season. In many ways, she did. She would be finished with radiation before Christmas, and that gave her a goal. Stephanie and her husband Brad had just purchased their first home. Sandra was determined to see Stephanie's house.

During the first week in December, we made our regular trip to Camden. Sandra was making progress, but she just couldn't see it. One afternoon was particularly bad. She had made her way to the bathroom on her own in the wheelchair, but on the way back, she scrubbed her knuckles on the door jamb. She was so angry; she just fell to pieces.

"I can't live like this! Don't expect me to! I want God to just let me die!"

We were shocked because we had seen so much progress. I quickly reminded her of all her recent accomplishments.

"Sandra, don't you see how much progress you have made? This week during physical therapy you walked on your walker all the way across the room and back."

"Yeah, but it exhausted me. I'll never be able to walk normally again!" she said.

"What about your the fact that you no longer have to wear diapers? What about the fact that you no longer have a bedside potty in the living room? You have to look at all that you've overcome. You can get to the bathroom all by yourself and you don't even have to use the boogie board (the phrase I coined for the sliding board)!"

Sandra couldn't help but smile when she heard the words 'boogie board.'

"Sandra, please look at the big picture....look at how far you have come since you left the rehabilitation center. It might be slow, but you are making progress."

Jackie looked relieved at what I was saying. It was almost as if he had suddenly realized those things himself.

The talk seemed to encourage her. In fact, less than an hour later, she did her physical therapy exercises and walked with the walker another 10 steps. I was amazed and grateful that the pep talk encouraged her to the point of taking action.

Sandra had another appointment that week with the spine doctor. He too assured all of us that with determination and hard work that Sandra had a strong likelihood of walking again. It was just what we all needed to hear. After all, encouraging her was much easier when we knew the task before her could actually be accomplished.

We had made plans to go to Stephanie's new house in Easley, SC on Saturday. It was on our way back to Georgia, which made it easier for us. Jackie and Sandra followed us separately. Kevin's heart was as light as a feather; his mom was traveling with a great big smile on her face! She was wearing new clothes, make-up on, and Euphoria sprayed on head to toe. She really seemed to feel good. And to our surprise, she had taken her walker with her.

On our way to Easley, Kevin and I talked about how happy of an event this was for Sandra. She absolutely loved to decorate, and we knew she had taken along a few things to try out in Steph's house. She had spent the previous Thrusday and Friday talking to Stephanie about things she needed in her house. They had talked about paint chips, furniture, lamps, rugs, and dishes. There was a constant stream of conversation regarding this trip.

But there was one thing that presented a major problem: Stephanie's house was two stories. Sandra would miss out on the upstairs. We tried to console her with the fact that the main rooms were downstairs, but she still wasn't happy about it. After all, the baby's nursey and the Master bedroom were upstairs. Those were huge decorating options.

When we finally arrived, Sandra was barely able to get the car door open before Stephanie was by her side helping her. Sandra wheeled her way to the front door, admiring the sodded front lawn. Once inside, Stephanie led us all through each room. Sandra gave comments about "what we need to do" and also praised Stephanie for what she had already done in her new house.

One of the first things Sandra wanted to do was rearrange the living room. Every single adult was at the mercy of the Queen in the wheelchair, moving furniture and rehanging pictures. We must have moved the couch 5 times!

There was such a sense of normalcy. This is what Sandra would have been doing, regardless of her condition. Had she been perfectly healthy, we would all be there, moving her furniture around. It was a moment to cherish. It was as it should have been....

After looking around in the kitchen and admiring the cabinets and appliances, Sandra and Stephanie set the dining room table. Since there was a breakfast area, they could have a formally set table without having to dismantle it everytime they wanted to sit down and eat. I sorted through some of Stephanie's wedding gifts that were in the down stairs hall closet. The three of us chatted and consorted over the crystal bowls and serving platters that Stephanie swore she would never have use for.

Sandra spoke up. "I want to see the upstairs."

No wonder she brought her walker.

She asked Kevin and me to help her. I was very unsure about this, but I don't think anyone had the guts to tell the woman no. Stephanie did try to tell her mother that she need not bother. We even offered to take a video of the upstairs and let her watch it on the TV. But Sandra insisted on seeing it with her own eyes. We finally gave in, for we knew she would never let it rest until she had her way.

The plan was for Sandra to hold the walker, me to stand beside her, and Kevin to stand behind her in case she fell. I was terribly nervous, but Jackie was out of the question. And with Stephanie being pregnant, we weren't about to ask her.

Sandra made it up the first 2 or 3 steps o.k. but I could tell that her ankles were getting weak. She had braces to wear, but unfortunately, we didn't know to bring them. She was straining with all her might...I honestly didn't think she would make it. There was a landing after about 6 steps...if we could just get her to that point so she could rest.

On the step right before the landing, her ankle turned completely out. I was able to catch her fall, but no one could do anything about the jolt of pain surging through her ankle and leg. We tried to convince her to come back down the stairs, but she refused. She was going to see that upstairs, if it was the last thing she did.

Once on the landing, Kevin and I held her up under each arm. She was shaking, but her resolve had not swayed one bit. She barely took a rest. We had already placed the wheelchair upstairs, so all she had left was about 8 stairs and then she could sit down!

She forced each step. Sometimes with a moan, sometimes with a cry of pain, sometimes with a shout of anger. But each and every step sounded as if she were dragging 500 pounds of dead weight. It was wearing her out, and I so badly wanted her to stop and just forget the whole idea.

She finally made it to the top. It took all her energy, but as soon as she was in that wheelchair, she was asking which bedroom was the nursery. After about 5 minutes, the stair ordeal was a forgotten memory. Sandra was enjoy her look/stay upstairs too much to worry about how hard it was to get there. My concern was, how was she getting back down? Everyone I asked wanted to evade that question.

She and Stephanie talked about the closets, window treatments, comforters...all that wonderful Mother-Daughter talk that made everything so 'normal' that day. Of course, there were things Sandra wanted to help rearrange in the bedrooms, but instead of having a team of people come up there and do it then, Sandra just gave the suggestions. Steph promised that Brad would help her with it later.

The time came when we had to eat, which meant Sandra had to get back down the stairs. All the ideas sounded unsafe, or at least to me they did. Kevin and Sandra finally came up with the idea of Sandra scooting down the steps while Kevin pulled her by the legs. We helped her down the first couple of stairs so she could sit on the top step, and then she edged down each step with Kevin pulling her legs. When she got to the last two stairs, we were able to easily stand her up and get her in the wheelchair.

She was proud of her accomplishment. She had seen the upstairs, despite our cries of caution and warning. It was a good sign that her willpower was in full force. It had to be if she was going to survive this battle with cancer. She had to keep that same resoluteness that caused her to walk in the hall bathroom and that caused her to climb those stairs earlier. She had to keep that same level of determination. She just had to.

We had a nice evening meal together and then we each headed our own way. Sandra and Stephanie had discussed having our Christmas get together at Stephanie's house. We all thought that would be lovely, especially since Sandra had decided NOT to put up a tree. The plans were for Christmas Eve.

We left that weekend looking ahead a few weeks to when we would be together again. I would have to miss out on part of the dinner my mother has each year on Christmas Eve, but I felt so compelled to do everything I could so we could all be with Sandra.

We arrived at Stephanie's around 3 pm on Christmas Eve. Grandma was there, but Tommy, Linda, Wendy, John, and Robin were unable to make it. Sandra, Jackie, and Grandma would get together with them the following week. We all brought a covered dish/crock pot. Sandra made my favorite dessert, penuche fudge! We ate, fellowshiped, laughed, and took pictures. Again, everything was so 'normal.'

It came time to exhange gifts, and as always, the children went first. Sandra and Jackie always gave them a good Christmas. I did the majority of her shopping for her, but she didn't spare any expenses. Everyone enjoyed the exchanging, even the gag gifts that Sandra always liked to throw in.

But something was wrong. Sandra wasn't very engaged in the festivities. We would often find her off to the side with her head down. When we called out to her, she would try to act normal. But it was quite evident, she was troubled. Even after we got home and looked at all the pictures on the digital camera, we could tell she wasn't happy.

Finally, around 7 pm, Sandra encouraged us to get on the road. She had always worried about traveling safety over the holidays. As we set out to leave, Sandra and Jackie left, too. It was cold and beginning to rain, so we tried to keep the goodbyes short. The children said their goodbyes, and as Kevin, Stephanie, Brad, and I were telling Sandra goodbye, she began to cry. She was talking about a test she was scheduled for the next week, and it seemed to be worrying her a great deal. It made the parting much harder.

Some of the tears were over parting. But some of the tears seemed to express a much deeper sorrow. As we pulled away from Stephanie's driveway, I couldn't help but wonder if Sandra would ever be inside that house again. Perhaps that's what Sandra was thinking, too.

Well, surgery in the morning. I have to be there at 8:15 a.m. and the procedure begins at 9:45 a.m. It should only last about 10-15 minutes. With about an hour and a half in recovery, I should get home around noon. Ho-hum...just ready to get this task behind me.

Still haven't heard when my next test will be. I'm supposing that it will be next week. Let's hope and pray so...I'm not celebrated for my patience.

Hopefully, I will have chapter 12 of the "Seasons" series by Sunday. Keep reading...the story isn't over yet!

Ultrasound results

I talked with the nurse today. Finally....

The ultrasound showed a "mildly enlarged thyroid" along with 4 solid nodules. The largest nodule is 1.5 cm. My next test will be a radioactive iodine uptake scan, which will determine how well my thyroid is functioning. It will also determine if any of the nodules are "hot" or "cold." Hot nodules, meaning they are taking in iodine (even excessive amounts), are less likely to be cancerous. Cold nodules are not able to take in iodine and are more likely to be cancerous. Of course, this test will not be as conclusive as a biopsy, but my guess is that will follow.

I don't have a date on the test yet, but I'm sure I will have it by the end of next week. I am also being referred to an endocrinologist. That's great, except the new patient wait is about 3 months. Since I have some obstruction to my esophagus, I should be able to get in earlier. Let's hope so!!

So....surgery for Friday. And hopefully I will feel well enough to go to our youth meeting. We also have a meeting next week with Bro. Ball, followed by the Science Fair on Saturday. So much is happening at one time...it's really overwhelming.

Depending on His sufficient Grace....I remain,

Rita

Carolina Talk

Sometimes I suffer from insomnia. So I came up with this list of words that I used while growing up in the foothills of North Carolina. My husband says we have a strange language there in Forest City. I began to wonder if this vocabulary was exclusive of “Far City” (as the locals call it) or if it was more of a regional dialect. I grew up using a vocabulary consisting of words I couldn't even spell. I’m not sure you could find some of these words in even the most diverse dictionary.

Take this quiz to see if you know the definitions. Be sure to scroll down after taking the quiz to see the answers and examples of the correct usage of each word. After you see your score, please leave a comment! I'd like to know how you did!

1. kwire (pronounced the same as choir)

a. an electrical item
b. a group of singers in the church
c. strange behavior

2. sup

a. an abbreviated form of “what’s up?”
b. to drink
c. short for “sippy cup”

3. swig

a. a small swag, used for decoration
b. a broken off piece of a twig
c. to drink

4. kyarn

a. untidy or filthy
b. a brand of yarn
c. an unofficial yard sport

5. poke

a. what you do to your sister when she starts talking in church
b. a paper sack
c. what you put a pig in

6. Lawdy Pete

a. your uncle’s first and middle name
b. a phrase similar to “my goodness!”
c. hot sauce

7. Hope My Die

a. the name of a soap opera
b. your last will and testament
c. a saying that means “Honest and true. I swear to it!”




The Answers:

1. C Sally shore is kwire. She won’t stand near the window while it’s stormin outside!
2. B Hey, you thirsty? You can have a sup of my Pepsi.
3. C Don’t worry about getting a teaspoon for this cough medicine. I’ll just swig it.
4. A Just look at your bedroom! It's all kyarned up!
5. B Here, put your lunch in this poke.
6. B Lawdy Pete! It shore is hot today!
7. C Honest Ma. I didn’t touch your piggy bank. Hope my die!!

How did you score???

7 Correct: Bona fide Carolinian

5-6 Correct: Hillbilly at heart

3-4 Correct: You've seen a few episodes of Beverly Hillbillies, and that's about it!

1-2 Correct: Have you ever been out of the suburbs, city slicker??

Adding Cheer to My Day!

My Dearest knows how much I love flowers, and he knows how much I have needed cheering as of late.

Kevin sent me a dozen roses today, complete with an 'I Love You' balloon...




And a very sweet note!!



It certainly did cheer me up! Nothing like flowers to brighten my heart and home!

I'm still waiting on the results of my Thyroid ultrasound: it seems the nurse at the internist's office was too busy to talk to me today. I'm hoping she will make time for a call to me tomorrow. I need to know the results.

But until then, I'm going to enjoy the fragrance of life and love. I have a husband who is sensitive to my pain and distress; I have a LORD who is the Master of the sea. I have the love of three wonderful children and a church who never ceases to pray for me. I have friends who, though not always near me, are mindful of me.

I'm blessed beyond measure!

A Time to Get...To Every Thing a Season chpt. 11

As the weeks passed, Sandra continued to take her radiation treatments daily. Kevin and I continued to go every weekend, as well as his sister Stephanie. Sandra's brother Tommy and his wife Linda visited as much as they could, but because of Tommy's unpredictable schedule, we never got to be there with them.

Sandra's friends were in and out every day. It was amazing to see such an effort by so many people to encourage her and cheer her up. But there were three friends that were as close as the family; Linda B, Patricia, and Joyce. They were there no matter what; thick and thin, Sandra's inner circle. Sandra needed them, and we had no problem with that. However, there were a few times I felt like the family needed time to be with her alone.

Thanksgiving was approaching, and Kevin and Stephanie had decided that the three of us would prepare the Thanksgiving meal. We wanted to make it as "normal" as possible. Of course, Jackie protested and told us to do as we would normally do on Thanksgiving-stay at home. He simply didn't want to put us out. It was heart breaking to know that his need was so great, yet he refused to ask. Jackie was deathly ill with the pulmonary fibrosis, yet he didn't want to be a burden. Kevin and Stephanie both wanted to spend Thanksgiving with Sandra, and they weren't going to take "No" for an answer.

Jackie had done his best to help Sandra, but he finally had to hire a nurse to take care of her during the day.After all, he did still own a business, and he tried to "work" every day. When Sandra had first come home from the rehabilitation center, he had hired two other nurses that didn't pan out. The hiring agency he went through shuffled the nurses around, which Jackie was not happy about. He finally found someone who worked out perfectly. Laura was a great help, as well as a capable nurse. There was good rapport between Laura and all of the family. There was no way in the world to manage without her. Jackie needed her as much as Sandra did; Laura did laundry, cleaned bathrooms, you name it. And when we arrived on Tuesdays or Thursdays, I did everything I could to make the load lighter on everyone.

During all of this darkness and struggling, we had some news that gave us all a ray of hope. Stephanie announced that she would be having a baby! I thought that if anything would encourage Sandra to fight, this surely would. Sandra was overjoyed by the news! We were finally seeing the twinkling in Sandra's eyes. She finally looked like she wanted to live.

Thanksgiving Day came. Kevin, Stephanie, and I were up early in preparation of the big day. Stephanie beat all of us up-she had morning sickness. Poor thing, she never did seem to get past that stage. As Sandra was lying in her hospital bed, she told us to "be careful in my kitchen!!" and, "Don't y'all make a mess!!!" All morning long, we laughed, giggled, bumped into each other. Daniel, Jordan, and Savannah kept Sandra company in the den while we wrecked her southern living style kitchen.

The menu consisted of all the traditional Thanksgiving trimmings; turkey, dressing, macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes, banana pudding, etc. The banana pudding was specially made for Sandra because she always loved my banana pudding. We had everything ready by noon when the rest of the family arrived. Jackie's son Bud and his wife and children came, as well as grandma and her sister Evelyn.

Sandra had changed into a nice sweater, fixed her hair, and put on her make-up. Looking at her sitting there so pretty, you wouldn't have known how sick she was. Having family together for Thanksgiving had made her look almost well again. She seemed almost magically transformed. I knew that the news about the baby also had a lot to do with it, too.

We had a wonderful meal and a wonderful time with the family. Everyone was happy to be together. The mood was so light, the lurking certainty of Sandra's death seemed to disappear.

Earlier in the week, I had talked to Sandra and tried to convince her to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. She always answered in an exasperated tone, "We'll see...." I was shocked to hear Sandra call out to me while I was cleaning the kitchen, "Hurry up, Rita. If you want to go shopping, let's get going!" I hurried about, trying to get cleaned up. Not the kitchen, but my self!

Jackie gave me instructions on how to get Sandra in and out of the car. "Remember to use her sliding board, or she'll fall down. And make her sit in the back."

I was getting nervous. Maybe I had bitten off more than I could chew. But too late for that. It was off to Belk's, Sandra's favorite place. As soon as I got her in the car, I opened the trunk to put the wheel chair in. I strained to lift it up to clear the lip of the trunk.

Good grief! How in the world has Jackie been doing this?? This thing is heavy!

We chatted on the way to Belk's, talking about the things we were looking for. She wanted to buy some clothes and perfume. She also wanted some new shoes. She also wanted to go to Walmart to buy some make-up and bathroom products. All of this was so thrilling to hear! She had some purpose, some goals, some desire!

Fortunately, the crowd wasn't too bad for Thanksgiving Day. Once inside, Sandra went directly for the clothes. It was an eye opening event...as she wheeled through the racks of clothes, clothes and hangers would spring back and hit her in the face. This made her angry, but I could tell she was trying to suppress it because she wanted to have a good time with me.

She picked out several outfits and tried them on, which was no easy task. I helped as much as she would let me, but who wants their daughter in law to see them without clothes on? Sandra didn't, and I can't say I blame her.

After finding 2 new outfits, she asked me to help her pick out some new gym shoes. Her physical therapy at home required her to pull herself up using a handicap bar installed in her hallway. Good tread on her shoes were vital. She had also started taking a few steps with a walker. She had to have shoes with excellent support before she could continue with this new endeavor. She hated the walker, but I was glad that she was getting shoes that her therapist recommended. It let me know she was going to try. Up to this point, she had only taken a few steps. It was such a consuming task! We would have to stand behind her with her wheelchair because after a couple of steps she would fall back down from sheer exhaustion. Her legs would wobble like a little toddler who was just learning to stand.

Next was the perfume counter. She asked what I recommended, and I told her I liked Euphoria by Calvin Klein. She made note of that but proceeded to spray just about every tester bottle on the counter. When all was said and done, Euphoria was her favorite, too.

She was having such a good time!! She picked up my Christmas gift, which was a set of Cuisinart cookware. Her grand total at Belk's was over $500. When she handed the cashier her credit card, she looked over at me and said with her dry humor, "Jackie owes me big time. I haven't bought anything in months."

I just knew we were done when we left Belk's, but she told me that we needed to go to Walmart. On our way out to the car, a lady walked up to her and said, "Sandra!! What in the world happened to you!?!?!" I wanted to shove this lady away from Sandra because I knew it would undo all the fun we had been having. Sandra's tone and expression changed as she gave a short summary of all that had been happening over the past 3 months.

After the lady left, I asked Sandra who it was. It was a former co-worker, and I knew the woman was only concerned about Sandra. It just sounded so insensitive when she said it. Most of all, I was afraid it would put an end to a long awaited wonderful day.

Sandra did seem a bit subdued after the encounter, but the visit to Walmart picked her back up. We picked out some make-up for Sandra. She bought both of us a tube of matching lipstick, something she had done on many occasions. She also wanted to buy the kids some board games, so we picked up several of those. Her Walmart total was almost $200. After $700 dollars and the crowds, she was ready to go home.

It had been such a good day. After she got home, she sat up in her hospital bed for a while, reading a devotional book and her Bible. There had been such a change in her! The news of the baby had worked wonders.

Later that weekend, Sandra had wheeled herself down the hall. We all assumed she was getting herself to the bathroom, something she had been doing on her own for quite some time. I was busying myself in the kitchen and suddenly I heard Kevin shout, "Momma!!" My heart jumped with fear! I ran towards the hall, where I saw an empty wheel chair fly across the hall.

I heard Kevin and Sandra exchanging words, but it wasn't really arguing...not really.

"Momma!! What were you doing??"

"I was fixing the curtain in the bathroom!" Sandra had pulled her wheelchair up to the hall bathroom door as far as she could. The she pulled herself up by using the bathroom counter, and walked over to the bathroom window to fix the valance on the window treatment. How she had managed, none of us could figure it out. She held on to the counter, but that was hardly enough support to help her stand. She could barely walk 10 feet with her walker. When she tried to get back in her wheelchair, the brakes had slipped and the wheelchair flew out from under her. Miraculously, she didn't fall.

"You could have fallen and gotten hurt, Momma!!"

"But I didn't." There was so much smugness in her voice. I smiled at the sound of it.

"Jackie's gonna be so upset with you!" Kevin said.

"You think I'm worried about Jackie? Ha!" This dialogue went on for several minutes.

Later that day when Jackie got home, we told him about what happened. He was concerned but glad to see some fight revive in Sandra.

"We're gonna have to watch her close now, y'all," Jackie said.

We all agreed. We all had seen what we had been longing to see...a determinant will that would cause her to fight and win.

We're getting her back. She's finally fighting this thing. She's going to make it!

The News So Far...

Today I spoke with my Internist/GP, and the CT results showed that I have several nodules on the left lobe of my thyroid. She ordered an ultrasound of the thyroid, which I had done at 1:45 p.m. I should have those results no later than next Wednesday.

Nodules may or may not be cancerous, though they are usually not. That's something to be happy about! With multiple nodules, it may be an indication of an enlarged thyroid. The ultrasound should shed more light on all of this.

I was curious as to why an ultrasound would show them more than a CT scan. I asked the technician who did the US and she said that US's are wonderful at imaging glands, especially the thyroid. Also, the CT scan was of the entire neck, not focused specifically on the thyroid. This should give us more answers.

I also had an appt. with my Uro yesterday. Because of my liver disease (which has been brought on by years of medication for lupus and arthritis) I can no longer take the medications for my bladder. I am also scheduled for a bladder hydrodistention next Friday morning. I really hate to do this on Jordan's birthday, but now that I have to stop the Elmiron treatment, the surgery is a must.

On the bright side, my list of daily medications just shortened by three meds. ;-> And my monthly cost for prescriptions just went down too!

I remain hopeful and in HIS loving care.

The Purging Trial

Oh, Saviour that I may love thee more

and upon thy bosom lean

May I ever cherish my fiery trials

that purge this vessel clean

The dross the trials doth take away

though my aching heart may cry

Yet refines in a likeness still

that shall forever be as thine

Do not the beautiful trees so green

forfeit their colors with time?

As coldness creeps across the sky

leaves fall with dismal sigh

Oh, they seem to die in weary trodden paths

that upon them no mercy unfolds

Yet as the lush green has faded away

the leaves now have traces of gold

Their trials brought forth the better

and the beauty that only could come

From a season that forces change

and a mercy that will overcome

So harsh, yet so merciful

are the trials that burden me so

Yet in them the dross fades away

And the Saviour I more lovingly know

Medical Updates

A few updates:

Allergies: Blood work came back today with with the following results: Trace reactions to cats, shellfish, and fish. Little or no consequence...I have no cat, don't touch shellfish, and eat fish rarely.

Lupus: Remission, negative ANA for the first time in 13 years

Liver Enzymes: Normal

Upcoming this week: CT Scan Tuesday, Allergist followup Wednesday, Urologist checkup Thursday (probability of determining surgery and future course of Elmiron therapy), Physical Therapy Friday.

Busy week!

CT Scan Tomorrow

As it turns out, some of my problems may be bigger than once thought.

In an attempt to diagnose my cough, tightness of throat, and difficulty swallowing that I thought was due to allergies, my family Dr. decided to do a barium swallow and upper GI X-ray about 2 weeks ago. Dr. Rahim was thinking that I might have acid reflux, but the barium X-ray showed conclusively that I do not.

When I went for my follow up visit with Dr. Rahim on Thursday, she informed me that my esophagus was slightly deviated to the left and that it seems to be that way as the result of "something" pushing against it. Her initial guess is an enlarged thyroid; let's hope she's right. It was disturbing to hear, but I really don't know anything yet, so....I can have peace of mind knowing I stand in the hand of God, carefully enveloped by the creator of the universe.

CT scan at 9 AM. Hopefully I will have the results by Thursday. Until then, I will work on my next installment of the "Seasons" series.

A Time to Keep Silent...To Every Thing a Season chpt. 10

Our plans for Tybee Island were nixed. It wasn't so much that we couldn't go there, it was more the fact that I so desperately needed to get away. Even though it had been several months since the storm had passed at our Church, the devil was making sure that we were constantly reminded of all the hurt.

Like the Monday after Sandra's diagnosis....I was in the grocery store trying to pick up a few things when I received a phone call from one of my friends. She asked how I was doing since I had heard the "news." I asked what news she was speaking of. Come to find out, her husband, who worked about 100 miles away from our Church was told by an acquaintance that "Bro. Whitman had been caught running around on his wife." I was hurt, but I was not surprised, simply because I was pretty certain of the source. There was absolutely no shred of truth to it, and the people responsible for that lie knew it. All the pain came rushing back through me. I kept wondering how people who claimed to love us so much could purposely say things they knew to be untrue. There's enough truth to be said of all of us; lies don't have to be added to the mix.

I tried to act unfazed, especially in front of my children. We check out at the supermarket, ran through the rain to get to the car, and headed back to the Church. I wanted to cry, but I didn't dare do so with the children in the car. I wanted to drive far, far away. I didn't want to turn left at the Church. I wanted to drive and drive and drive. I wanted to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone and where no one knew me. Not because I had anything to hid but because I didn't want to have to interact with anyone. Caring had become the single greatest source of agony in my life. I was so drained....

And then I realized, it just isn't possible to NOT care. I had to put it all behind me because too many people loved us and supported us at the Church. They were worth going on for, and greater than that, so was the One I served. My family, despite the "rumor" was alive and strong, and they were certainly worth caring for!

It came down to dusting myself off spiritually and staying focused on the things that mattered, and at that point, Sandra and Jackie were our priority. Living so far away made things difficult, but we poured as much time and effort as possible into helping Kevin's parents.

We made it back to Camden for Sandra's breast biopsy, which was done at the local hospital. We were at the hospital bright and early, along with several of Sandra's friends. Linda B. who called us and urged us to come the week before, worked at the hospital. As usual, she was all smiles and talking a hundred miles a minute. As Jackie was wheeling Sandra in, Linda B. pulled me aside and said with a fading smile, "Rita, this isn't good. You know that don't you?"

I was uncomfortable with the conversation, mainly because I didn't like the truth of the matter.

"I know Linda, but it would be so unusual for her to have three separate cases of cancer. It's just so unlikely."

"Rita, my mother died of cancer, three different ones. It is possible. And Dr. Babcock with the Oncology Center has been in here and I've talked to him, Rita. This really, really looks bad. I just want you all to be prepared."

I felt sick. I knew it was bad, but Linda always seemed so hopeful. It was particularly sobering to hear her say the same things I had thought.

Linda guided us back to the area where the biopsy would be preformed. The nurse took Sandra to an X-ray room to help locate the mass in her breast. Unknown to all of us, the X-ray had to be taken lying down.

As we all sat in the hall, we could barely hear Sandra's voice. It seemed to be taking an awful long time. Several times, the door opened and closed, with nurses and technicians going in and out. One of the nurses finally told us that they were having trouble getting Sandra situated on her stomach in order to take the X-ray. I thought to myself, "Stomach? Isn't this a mammogram?" Jackie tried to find Linda B. so that we could get some information, but she was nowhere to be found.

We waiting a little while longer. The sound of Jackie's portable "lungs" were ever present in the background. We could still hear the nurses talking, but we also heard moaning and then sobbing. The sobbing grew louder and louder. Sandra was crying like a helpless child. It was so gut wrenching to hear, I literally covered my ears. Kevin and Jackie looked at each other in shock, both in wonderment as to what could possibly be going on behind the door that separated us from Sandra.

Her cry was one that signaled an abandonment of strength and will. And the more she cried, the louder it got. It seemed to echo down the corridor, and I couldn't help but wonder why there wasn't a rush of hospital personnel coming to her aid. Finally, Kevin asked me to go find Linda; he had heard enough of his mother's anguish.

By the time we found Linda, the nurse had brought Sandra from the X-Ray room. She had calmed down considerably, but when we asked her what happened, she fell all to pieces.

"They made me lay on my stomach, and I told them I couldn't," she sobbed. "My back hurt so bad, I couldn't hardly breath..." Her shoulders quivered as she cried with her entire body. We all tried to comfort her and tell her it was alright, but she had surrendered to her pain and weakness. "I can't do this...I can't...please don't expect me to...I can't live like this, just let me die!"

All of this took place in the hallway, and for all we knew, 1000 people saw what was happening. All of us, family and friends, encouraged her to keep going. We wanted her to know how much we valued her life, but we wanted her to value her own life.

We finally got her calmed down and over to the area of the hospital for the breast biopsy. To noone's surprise, the breast biopsy came back cancerous. It was the most logical source for the cancer in the spine, but the masses in the stomach and gall bladder still had not been addressed.

Finally, after a long day at the hospital, we had Sandra back at home. She asked me to how long it would take for me to make potato soup. I told her it would take about 45 minutes. She seemed so disappointed, so I stewed some potatoes for her. She ate well but complained with her stomach.

As she sat in her wheelchair, she told all of us somberly, "I want you all to know that if they tell me I need chemotherapy, I will not do it. I can't live like that. I can't walk, and I'm not going to be sick like that laying in a hospital bed. If chemotherapy is the only thing that will help me, then let me die." This was no "beg me to do it" speech. She was serious. The option was not on the table.

She fought back tears but succumbed. "I can handle dying, if I could just walk. I can't stand this wheel chair. I can't stand not being able to clean my house. I can't stand it! If I can't walk, I want to die. Just let me die!" All of this was said through tears that spoke of pain deeper than cancer. Kevin, Jackie, and I gathered around her wheelchair, trying to reassure her of our love. She looked up at Kevin and cried out, "What are you going to do? You can't keep coming here every week? You'll wear the wheels off your van! You have to stop coming so much."

"Momma, we can get new wheels if we wear the other one's off...but we're coming up here, every week if we have to. I wouldn't want to be any where else."

I told her, "You know you'd do the same for us."

The whole conversation seemed to give her some comfort for which we were thankful. It had been an exhausting day. Everybody was ready to fall into bed. Sandra had radiation every day, and it wasn't something she was enjoying. Her rest was crucial. I had even made it a nightly ritual to give her a foot massage before she went to bed. It was so relaxing for her and one of the few things that made her smile.

It must have been very early the next morning, for the master bedroom was still fairly dark. I could hear Jackie talking in the living room.... and Sandra crying. In the background was the sound of the oxygen machine, rhythmically pumping life into Jackie's lungs. Sandra's inconsolible sobs were muffled by Jackie softly whispering a hush. I pulled the covers up under my chin, closing my eyes. If only it were possible to shut out the cancer that's taking my mother-in-law from us....

Her sobs were so pitiful. There was nothing I wanted more than to get out of that bed, walk into that living room and tell her that everything was going to be alright.

But I couldn't...I had done that once before. I knew it was time to keep silent.

Only God could change the course of things, and that was completely subject to His will. All of us would have to wait and see what the Lord would do. And once it was done, we would have to accept it as the best course of action for all of us.

A Time to Speak...To Every Thing A Season chpt. 9

It had been an emotionally draining day. Kevin and I had already explained to our children that their grandma was very ill and that she may die. We never expected that we would have to explain that to everyone else, but we were called upon to do so.

Shortly after we arrived home from the Oncology Center, Jackie approached Kevin and me in the master bedroom. Again, he was trembling and struggling to get his words out.

"Kevin....buddy....I'm sorry for you and your momma...but I don't know what I would have done without y'all today." Jackie let himself lean into Kevin's embrace, and they both cried. Jackie, not being one for tears or excessive emotions, quickly pulled himself together and said, "I need y'all's help." He paused, wiping his wet, red face.

"Somebody has got to talk to all of Sandra's friends and tell them what's going on...I just can't do it," he said as he whimpered into another sob. I assured Jackie that I would take care of all the calls. I knew this was going to be a monumental task because she had an enormous group of friends.

"Another thing...someone has to tell Grandma,"he said. That task was for one person and one person alone-Kevin. "I'll tell Grandma, Jackie, but I don't want to tell her over the phone. I'd rather go see her and tell her in person, " Kevin said. We decided right then that we would drive to Cheraw on Friday to tell Sandra's mother the news. Jackie had agreed to tell Sandra's brother Tommy and his wife Linda. They were constantly in touch with Jackie and Sandra, so Jackie felt at ease with them.

Jackie made it clear: do not let Sandra tell her friends. She was discouraged and defeated enough without having to relive the diagnosis every time the phone rang. The only person she was "allowed" to tell was Stephanie, and she had already taken care of that. The rest was left to me and Kevin.

I was glad to be of some assistance. Jackie's burden was heavy enough. But every time I talked to one of Sandra's friends, and there were many, it was dreadful. Everyone was shocked. Many cried. Some asked, "How did she get cancer?" as if she picked it up like a germ in the grocery store. I didn't have those kind of answers. Neither did the doctors.

I didn't like being the one that gave the bad news, but I did enjoy speaking to so many of Sandra's friends. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. She had lived in the same town for over 35 years and worked at the same place for over 25 years. A person makes a lot of life time friends when her roots are that deep. The phone rang non stop for the first 48 hours after "the appointment." Neighbors, friends, co-workers, church members-everyone wanted to know what the doctor said and what the prognosis was. Some even whispered into the phone, "Rita, do you think she's gonna make it?" I couldn't give an answer.

Within the next few days, Sandra started radiation. Unfortunately, she had to travel to West Columbia every day for her treatments. It was so exhausting for her. The drive was an hour long one way and the treatment was an hour as well. It was particularly difficult for Sandra to lay still for the MRI's they needed for successful radiation therapy. Two back surgeries made the pain of laying flat on her back excruciating.

Friday came to soon. Laden with an enormous amount of dread Kevin and I went to see his Grandma. It was an hour drive, but it seemed like it only took 10 minutes. We both prayed while we traveled, knowing that this would devastate Grandma. My heart hurt for Kevin. I hated every second of what he was having to go through, yet there was nothing I could do to stop it, nothing I could do to change it.

When we arrived in Cheraw, Grandma came out of her house, ready to greet us as she always does. She assumed that it was just a regular visit since we were already visiting Sandra. When she didn't she the children she asked us where they were. "It's just me and Rita today, Grandma."

"Uggghhh!!!! Why??? I want to see my Grand babies!!" She wasn't happy.

"I know. But me and Rita wanted to see you and talk to you a little bit, " Kevin said, trying to sooth her obvious anger. We both hugged her, and we both could feel her tension and aggravation. She wanted to know why the Grandchildren weren't there.

We went inside and to her den. Kevin asked Grandma to sit down on the couch beside him, and I sat in a chair across from them.

"I sure wish you would have brought the babies," Grandma said.

"I know, but we wanted to talk to you about Momma."

"Oh? What about her? She's alright isn't she?"

"Well, you know she went to the doctor on Tuesday." She nodded yes. "Well, Rita and I went with her and the doctor had some bad news Grandma."

I sat there watching my husband tell his Grandmother that her daughter was facing a very grim diagnosis. He explained the possibility of there being three separate cancers and the probability of it being breast cancer metastasized to her spine.

Grandma's face was contorted into a frame of horror. She suddenly looked blankly at Kevin as if she didn't know him or anything he was saying. And within seconds, her shoulders and head dropped like a child whose balloon had slipped out of his hand. Her hands slowly came up to her face and she began to weep. More tears, more embraces, more love. That's all we could do for each other.

I looked at Kevin and Olivia, that's Grandma's name (though no one calls her anything but Grandma), and I thought about how cruel cancer had been to their family. Of course, cancer is cruel to everyone it touches, but Grandma's husband Frances had lung cancer and emphysema, both being the ultimate cause of Granddaddy's death. Kevin also has a cousin, Wendy, who is a two time survivor of breast cancer. Wendy has had to endure radical treatment, but she has survived. Her story is particularly heartbreaking, especially to Grandma, because Wendy endured this battle at the young age of 24, then again at 34. Now Olivia was seeing her daughter slip into the clutches of this dreaded disease.

It took a while for Grandma to calm down. Kevin being the only grandson, he holds Grandma's heart in his hand. He was a great comfort to her. We spent the afternoon with Grandma and tried to have as good of a day as possible.

The time came when we had to head back to Georgia. As much as we hated to leave Sandra and Jackie, we had to get home. We planned to come back the following week. Sandra was scheduled to have her breast biopsy the following week on the 8th, and we wanted to be there for that. Amazingly enough, the Oncology Center she visited in Columbia had a satellite office at the Kershaw County Hospital located in Camden, so all of Sandra's follow up appointments with the oncologist could be done in Camden.

It was pretty much the same each time...leave Georgia on Tuesday and come back on Saturday night. We didn't go every week, but we tried to go as much as possible. On our way back to Georgia we talked about all we needed to do to make ourselves available to Sandra and Jackie.

Kevin and I had planned a trip to Tybee Island for Thanksgiving. We wanted to have a non traditional Thanksgiving so we reserved an ocean front hotel room and planned to take the children to the coast for the long holiday weekend. In light of all that was going on, we decided that we needed to change our plans. We were so afraid of never having another Thanksgiving with Sandra and Jackie; we wanted to make the most of the time she had left. We cancelled our reservations for Tybee Island and planned our holidays for Camden.

SNOW!!!

Well, it's not often we get snow here in Georgia. But it's even less often we get it like we got it Sunday! It started out with torrential down pours of rain late Saturday night. It rain all morning Sunday, so I figured the snow would never lay. But behold! We had a good snow. Within 5 minutes of starting, it had already cover the huge puddles of water in our yard and along side our street.

By late afternoon, we had this to contend with!!! My SUV was iced in. All the puddles of water had slushed over with ice and snow, so the SUV wasn't going any where!!

The truck wasn't in much better shape!


The streets quickly turned treacherous.



But Jordan and Savannah found the yard to be alot of fun!!!




Daniel had a little trouble keeping his footing.



A dismal but beautiful sight....

We ended up with about 5 inches of snow!

I haven't seen it snow this hard since 1993 when I lived in Greenville. We had a full blown blizzard! Prior to that, I was a child the last time I had seen snow flakes the size of quarters. It was beautiful to watch, but when the power went out, I was ready for it to stop. Electric heat is great, but no electricity = no heat! Fortunately, our electricity was out for only a few hours. The city of Commerce, though small, has a fast response team when it comes to city utilities. No complaints here.

Of course, the roads were so bad, we had to cancel Sunday night service. Kevin and I ventured to the gas station and Walmart, which is only 2.5 miles from my house, and I was scared to death. The truck did fine, but the roads were so bad, I 'bout near hyperventilated.

Kevin works for Banks County and the Comissioners decided to close the courthouse on Monday....on Sunday! Yippeee! A free day for the family. Kevin was off work and the kids were "off"school. We got some cleaning done, but we spent most of the day loafing and relaxing. Nice thing to do.

One thing of interest....southerners are so funny. A neighbor down the street decided to shovel his drive Monday morning. My thought was, "Hey, it's going to melt by the end of the day. This ain't Buffalo, buddy." But you know, that's his business. If he wants to shovel his drive way, fine. What really made me scratch my head was the fact that he was wearing only shorts and a ball cap. It was only 37 degrees. Whatever!?!?!